Hating Love Will Not Make You Feel Better

Without googling it, I'm not really up to speed with the finer details surrounding the legend of Saint Valentine and I have no idea whether what I think I know is accurate either. So here’s my very basic take on what I’ve heard about Valentine’s Day and why Saint Valentine is dubbed the Patron Saint of Love...

So once upon a time, 2 Roman Saints named Valentine were both executed on February 14th and became martyrs. One of the Saints apparently wrote love letters to his jailors daughter from prison signing off “from your Valentine”, a phrase still widely used. Sounds like a very loose connection to love if you ask me. The other Saint Valentine was apparently beheaded for marrying young couples in secret after marriage was outlawed for young men. Now that is a little more romantic. Then there was something called Lupercalia, a Roman festival held in mid-February. Fuelled by sex, violence and drunken behaviour, there would be animal sacrificing and women would get a whipping from men believing this would make them fertile. Also, like a matchmaking lottery, men then pick names out of a jar and couple with the women for the duration of the festival, or longer if that woman really does it for them. Doesn’t that just scream love and romance to you? A story of true love that goes something like, "So how did you meet your husband? Ah, I see...he killed an animal, gave you lashes from a whip he made out of said dead animal, picked your name out of a jar and the rest is history. Wow that sounds unbelievably romantic, you're so lucky." Anyway, that festival sounds a bit like how I imagine Tinder would've worked in ancient roman times!

After the worst breakup of my life, I had nothing good to say about Valentine's Day and I was sure it's purpose was to torment me and magnify my experience of betrayal and loss. For me, Valentine's Day signified being 'in love' and celebrating the fact you had found your person. I never considered the many other forms of love I had in my life and instead concentrated on what I had lost, not what remained. Valentine’s Day doesn’t affect me anymore. I have been in relationships on Valentines and I have also been single many times and personally, I neither love it nor hate it. It is just an ordinary day to me, unless I throw a party, as I continue to give and receive love no matter what day of the week it is. For some people though, depending on the person and their situation, Valentines brings cause for discomfort, upset and at times, considerable distress. It can also be used as an excuse to feel shit about life and hate on love and all it stands for. I think the stories about how Valentine’s Day came about are irrelevant if you are in a fixed mindset. For some reason we turn this ‘holiday’ into something that couldn’t be further from love. We see it only as something to be avoided, something to make us feel bad and something to channel our hatred for love because we feel wounded by it. In reality, as I said, it’s just a normal day. It’s 24 hours and for most of that you’ll be asleep. The issue is not about Valentine’s Day at all, it is the significance you put on it that turns in to something painful and potentially distressing.

Since when was Valentine’s Day defined as a day to highlight whether you are in a relationship or not? Why would Valentines want to make you feel like crap for being single and believing you’re unloved? When did it only become meaningful and celebrated by those in romantic couples? Oh that’s right…when you made it up in your head! It is the way you perceive Valentines that drives your beliefs, resulting in a bitter approach to tackling the day while spewing negativity all over yourself. You are experiencing a discomfort you have created for yourself along with intensified negative emotion, fantasy thinking and unnecessary pain. This is great news! If you can create such powerful responses you also have the ability to cultivate new responses with a far greater benefit to you. Is hating Valentines really worth the energy it takes up? I can categorically say, absolutely not!

Ultimately, Valentine’s Day is about love – simple. Nothing more, nothing less. When you create, twist and distort your own variation on that, you initiate a strong and negative anchor. Have you or anyone else you know ever said things like “I don’t do Valentines”, “It’s just a load of commercialised shit” “Valentine’s Day literally makes me want to be sick” “Ugh, seriously” or “Valentines can go f*** itself”? I know I have, many times probably, so I know with absolute certainty that our reaction to it is always relative to how we feel on the day, whether or not we are betrothed, if we are newly single and how happy we are within ourselves. We bring to life its significance and impact through our perceptions and subsequent projections. I totally understand how difficult facing Valentines alone can be if you are accustomed to sharing it with somebody however, I need you to remember that Valentines is about love, not about whether you have a significant other. The lack of a partner in your life does not equal a lack of love.

Love comes in many forms and I am sure if you look for it, you’ll find that you are actually surrounded by it. You receive love from yourself, your friends, your family, your pets and even in the kindness of strangers. Love is not, and has never been, reserved only for those in romantic relationships and neither should Valentine’s Day. Nor should it be the only day to show appreciation and gratitude for the love you have in your life. I have tackled Valentines newly single in the past and I admittedly hated on it for years. There is no doubt, that if you allow it to, the day can exacerbate existing pain and have you feeling like your breakup recovery has been compromised. It hasn’t. You can try to avoid it and pretend it doesn’t exist because love sucks, brings nothing but hurt and misery and ruin lives, right? Or, you can gain some perspective, appreciate the abundance of love that is thriving in your life right now and be your own Valentine.

Love should be celebrated every day. Even when we feel like love is responsible for our pain, it is something to be treasured and valued. It should never be underestimated or taken for granted. If you are in a challenging place right now and feel the only way to get through this day is to hate love then do what you have to do, but know that hating love will not make you feel better. Get over the notion that Valentine's Day is solely for those 'in love' as opposed to being simply about love in what every way it presents itself. Why not channel your love directly to the people who mean the most to you, reframe Valentines as a day you give to your fabulously single self and shower in the gift of self-love. Change the view and watch the world change around you. It really is magnificent.

Have fun this Valentine’s Day and enjoy every moment, no matter what you do.

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