Breakup Or Breakover?

The first moments after a break up often end up being a blur. Adrenaline kicks in, you start to panic, cry, become hysterical, hyperventilate, beg, plead and lose every shred of dignity you ever had in 10 seconds flat. It’s an extremely painful, highly emotional time. Your brain then hits scramble mode and floods you with a million questions. At this point, you have no idea what the answers are so you start panicking again…why has this happened? What did I do wrong? Will I ever get over this? How could he say he loved me then treat me like this? Will I ever find anyone else and will I survive the immeasurable pain I feel? I’ll never meet anyone else again, I’m going to be alone forever, this pain is going to kill me aaahhhhhhh!!!!!! Your Google search history is nothing short of pitiful with a hint of psycho and you’re now more confused than ever before.

The “what if’s”, “shoulds” and “if onlies” overwhelm your mind as you frantically try to make sense of what has happened. You replay scenarios, conversations, actions and inactions while over-analysing everything that happened in the relationship. You read the last messages sent over and over and obsess about what you could have done differently to prevent the breakup happening. You are essentially bargaining with yourself in the hope you can reverse what has already occurred. I know this because my brain goes there and I automatically think it was something I did or didn’t do. Something I said or didn’t say. Was I not loving enough, supportive enough or attractive enough? What if this and what if that. In addition to that, I usually go one step further and totally devastate myself that the fantasy I created in my mind will no longer be a possibility. Hope is lost and apparently, so is the future (cue dramatic fainting). I used to believe this was because what I held in my imagination seemed far less painful than the journey I was about to make. I know now this is completely untrue and that holding on is often far more painful than letting go.

Breakups are undoubtedly tough and it is said that breaking up with someone you love is regarded as the second most traumatic experience you face in your lifetime, after the death of a loved one. Doesn’t exactly sound like breaking news, right? Given that the pain you are in both physically and emotionally is so real and so exhausting, the thought of getting through another minute seems impossible. Ok, so it’s not a revolutionary piece of information but it is interesting that if this is the case, why do so many of us want to skip the process of grieving our failed relationships? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to move on as quickly possible without dealing with the ridiculous amount of emotions we experience during this time? We do not appreciate the value and the opportunity we get to learn more about ourselves and completely transform. I get it, you want to be over it, you want to feel better, you want to not think about your ex every second of the day. I know you want it all to go away instantly even though you know that’s not reality…not even a tiny bit. So you may as well accept that before we continue.

Excellent, I’m glad you’re still with me…so the great news is, you absolutely, 100% can have all the things you want, if you’re willing to work for it! First, let me manage your expectations here. Breakups hurt. Whether for a short time or long time, there is always some element of pain you need to work through. I am not saying you won’t cry, I am not saying there won’t be days when you feel like absolute crap but what I can tell you is this, the way you deal with your breakup from the start will have a massive impact on the speed and success of your breakup recovery journey. You can’t rush this stuff but you most definitely have the power to greatly shorten your period of misery and start the transformational experience of your life. This breakup is an amazing opportunity for you to create a new life full of exciting adventures and memories to treasure. There is absolutely no reason why you can’t enjoy going through this breakup so here are some essentials to help you get started on the right track…

So, first things first. I know you don’t want to hear this but if you can cut off contact completely with your ex, do it...do it now! Like right now! No excuses! If you have children with your ex or you work with them, be sure to reduce contact to the absolute bare minimum. Having a period of no contact enables a complete detox from your ex and frees up space for you to begin your personal transformation in to the world of being fabulously single. During my no contact period I went up, down and around on my emotional rollercoaster more than once and then it stopped. It stopped when I started focusing on me, instead of on him and the fantasy I lost when he left. I’m not going to pretend that doing no contact is easy, it really isn’t. It almost feels like an impossible ask given what you’re going through but hear me out anyway. I have used no contact a couple of times before so trust me when I say, it is the best thing you can do for yourself to prevent your prolonged, unnecessary lingering in heartbreak. Is it worth the challenge for all the positive benefits and opportunities it can offer if you commit to it? Without a doubt...so much so that I coach people through it! View this as a community detox from your ex, a chance to cleanse, reflect, learn and grow. You come first. So to clarify, no texts, no calls, no other forms of messaging, no social media stalking, no accidentally on purpose trying to bump into him, no asking after him...you know what I’m saying! Set a challenge of 30 days or 60 days if forever seems too overwhelming right now. Here is where the good stuff happens. This is where you start having fun, trying new things and discovering who and how awesome you want to be.

Next, you will need a time limited period of wallowing. Let me just repeat the “time limited” part. You will be going through a vast range of emotions and experiencing a serious drop in your endorphins, which is why you are feeling pretty hideous most of the time. The more you try to avoid your feelings, run away from them or try to bury them in the imaginary grave you dug for your ex, the longer it will take for you to move through the process. You also need to understand there are brain chemicals at play here too so it’s really an emotional double whammy. There will be lots of ugly crying, you will get angry, you will want to be alone, you won’t want to be alone and you may feel numb. You are going to obsess and want to make contact with him. You may feel physically unwell, not sleeping or trying to oversleep. You may torture yourself by listening to love songs or watching Bridget Jones’ Diary while drinking wine, believing you’re a spinster for life. Doesn’t sound quite as exciting as “bad boys for life” does it? I usually give myself one full week of proper full on wallowing and feeling sorry for myself. I cry when I want, sleep when I want, obsess when I want and then I start focusing solely on me and being awesome again. It is also a good idea to avoid making any impulsive, rash or drastic decisions or changes to yourself in the initial stage of a breakup. Put that energy in to working through the process and on yourself. If you want the ultimate Breakover, you can’t cut corners or skip the process. It’s like the law! You will learn so much more about yourself and you will successfully understand your thought processes and emotions. With all that SuperPower, you will soon be effectively managing this breakup and using it to your full advantage. No more public meltdowns or sobbing at that dog advert you just saw on TV. You will be doing your future self a massive favour and you will forever be grateful for it.

Having a strong support system in place is essential when you are in the early stages of a breakup. I do not mean posting details of your breakup and how much you hate your ex (and all men for that matter) all over social media and have people offering false sympathy and validation. I’m talking about your Circle Of Trust, the people who know you best and who are closest to you. These are the amazing individuals that are with you no matter what. The good, the bad, the ugly and the darn right crazy! If you don’t want to be asked every day how you’re feeling about things or whether you’ve heard from your ex, tell them. Be honest about what you need. Dreading engaging in conversation because you think someone will bring it up is really uncomfortable and completely unnecessary. Set boundaries for your ex talk so you feel more in control and you are not repeating your tale of woe over and over again. Your Team are the people who want the best for you, who feed you when you don’t have the energy to cook, who tell you that your hair needs some serious washing (and so do you) and who bring a smile to your face no matter what. Be around the people who boost you, who lift you up and make you feel invincible. It also helps to not mention your ex by name. Use an initial or create a nickname to feel more detached.

When Houdini disappeared, I found myself an unintentional ‘Breakup BFF’ and she was incredible. I remember being on the phone to her one night where she listened to me, she challenged me and most importantly she made me laugh a lot...the call lasted 3 hours! She was the only person I spoke to in detail about my breakup and how I was really feeling. It was great to separate myself from talking about the details day after day so I could just get on with my life. As a result of having my ‘Breakup BFF’ I gained a lifelong friend who is now an official member of my Circle Of Trust.

Remember this situation is temporary. The quicker you can manage your mindset and those out of control emotions you have, the more amazing your life will become. Even on the really tough days, every teardrop is another step forward towards your fabulous Breakover. Take action over fear and give yourself all you’ve got. You have a unique opportunity right in front of you. You have the luxury to choose how you’re going to deal with this breakup. Facing a failed relationship head on with the intention of using it to your full advantage can be a fun and empowering experience. Your possibilities are endless and this is just the beginning. How invigorating to be in a position where you can build yourself something so incredible, you may not even have even considered it as an option yet. How exciting that you have this chance to give yourself a SuperHuman style ‘Breakover’ and come back stronger, more independent and more magnificent than ever! You have totally got this and I’m excited for your future.

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