Friend Or Foe?

Negative self-talk is such a big thing, almost everybody I speak to is doing it!

I used to talk to myself like crap over the smallest things. If I made a mistake, forgot something or even when I'd stub my toe! Whether I said it out loud or in my head I didn't need to think about it, the voice popped up automatically. "You idiot, omg could you be anymore stupid?" and "What on earth are you doing, you twat?" were just a couple of examples from my vast repertoire of ‘trash talk’. I have always heard my inner critic loud and clear. I think I stopped noticing it as it had always been there so, although I didn’t like it and I didn’t always believe it, there it was. It became typical that I would feel I had messed up, failed and doing things I knew were bad for me. I believed that stumbling from one disaster to another was just who I was and that was that. I felt I got what I deserved and that generally, I wasn’t good enough for most things. This was how life was for me. I repeated this pattern for so long that I had created negative beliefs about myself and I repeated the same shit over and over. My unconscious mind, predictably, threw this stuff back in my face at every opportunity, every time I got something wrong, no matter how small and insignificant it was. I was, in effect, emotionally abusing myself and it had to stop. I would never want to speak to someone else the way I spoke to myself, no matter what they had done. That’s when I knew things had to change. Just because I made mistakes it didn’t mean I was a one. I needed to change the story I was telling about myself.

Talking to ourselves in a judgemental and overly critical way can create self-defeating and even destructive behaviours. It can lower confidence, self-esteem and how we much we value ourselves. If we allow our inner critic to overwhelm us, achieving goals becomes less likely and may stop you from even setting goals in the first place. It can also impair the ability to make positive changes to our life. Essentially, when you speak to yourself like crap it’s a form of bullying. If someone else was speaking to you the way you speak to yourself, would you tolerate it or would you stand up for yourself?

It takes time to rewire your brain especially if negative talk is something you have been practicing for a long time. The incredible thing is, although it may not seem like it, your unconscious mind only wants what's best for you and it is willing and ready to learn a new story. There may be many different reasons why you talk negatively to yourself however, when you learn to identify and intercept negative self-talk, your unconscious mind will happily install new, positive beliefs about yourself and the world you live in. Pretty amazing huh? Absolutely...and that's exactly what I did! Remember that just because you said it, doesn’t mean it’s true.

Follow the steps below and make them a part of your life. They are not something that can be tried once and then forgotten. They require a commitment to yourself and consistency to see it through. I know you are ready to conquer your negative self-talk and that is amazing! Hold on tight…things are about to change for the better.

1. Notice Your Thoughts

The best place to start is to become more aware of your thoughts and negative talk. I know from experience that becoming consciously aware of your negative thinking provides you the opportunity to manage and change it. In the past, I was being a total bitch to myself most of the time and probably projecting that on to other people in my life. I remember regularly berating myself for the most ridiculous things and I wasn’t even noticing the full extent of it. Sometimes it was just a fleeting ‘why do you always do this?” to overthinking at night about the all the things I’d done or said wrong or what I could have done differently and blah, blah, blah – so exhausting and so unnecessary! Negative self-talk becomes automatic which is why you need to increase your conscious awareness. Once you tune in you’ll realise just how often your inner critic comes knocking. Spend some time getting inside your own head and listen out for the things you think. With increased self-awareness you can pay closer attention to your negative self-talk, you will identify it sooner and gain the ability to replace the thought with something more positive and healthy. It might take some time to hone your interception skills but once you understand what triggers your thoughts and why, it will be much easier to transform them. You may find it helpful to keep a journal so you can track your thoughts and the situations that trigger you. I would highly recommend you write down positive statements about yourself that disprove the nagging voice in your head every time you find yourself plagued by an exaggerated, negative thought. Ignoring it will not help – acknowledge it and then change your inner voice to be your coach, not your critic.

2. Replace With Positive Statements

Now, I am not suggesting you lie to yourself here. The last thing you need is to add ‘you’re such a liar’ to your list of negativity. False positivity can be more toxic than negativity so never ignore what you’re telling yourself. Instead, when a critical thought comes knocking on your brain acknowledge it, understand it, challenge it and change it. With this top quality insight you can address those negative bugs immediately, rationally and realistically. Stop the thought in its tracks and replace it with something more accurate, positive and motivating. When I used to bitch about me, my automatic self insult would be that I could never do anything right. I literally had no tolerance for myself at all. The smallest thing and I was stupid, everything I tried went wrong. Looking back now I was a right drama queen. Catastrophising Generalisation Woman should have been my name. I would literally go from 0-100 with no emotions in between. It was not a pretty sight. I could drop sugar on the worktop and have a right go at myself or I’d stand up and a lighter would fall out of my lap and I’d be like “FFS woman! What on earth is wrong with you?” I think I literally rolled my eyes at myself 100 times a day. I can laugh about it now but it’s an awful, painful and draining relationship to be in with yourself. The truth was, I did lots of things right and I didn’t deserve to speak to myself like that and you know what, neither do you. Write down the evidence that supports your claim and the evidence that calls you out as talking crap. Looking at both sides of evidence can emotionally remove you from the situation so you can view it more rationally. Now is the time to change the story you keep telling about yourself.

3. Be Your Own Best Friend

This one is the most powerful for me. Simply put, would you speak to your friend the way you speak to yourself? When I learnt this perception shift about 4 years ago it actually changed my life. No joke, if I’m having a ‘challenging’ day and I want to start beating myself up this is my go to, mindset busting saviour. Obviously at times, I deserve a little self ticking off but I now thank myself for that instead of hating myself. If my bestie missed the mug and spilt sugar on the worktop or even on the floor, shock horror, I would not call her stupid. I would not tell her she couldn’t do anything right. The truth is, I would laugh at her and probably take the piss for a little while. I realised that I would never speak to her the way I often spoke to myself. I had no idea why I was being my own enemy when I really like myself, it was crazy! Being so aware of the negative infiltration from the bitch in my brain, applying this led me to be my own awesome friend, my cheerleader and someone I am proud to be. When you feel as though you’re about to lose your shit on yourself, breathe…if this was your friend how would you react? Would you be overly critical, harsh, judgemental and go psycho on their arse or would you support, reassure, encourage and possibly laugh or take the piss? Before you start being mean to yourself stop and ask whether you are friend or foe. Would say this to someone else in the same situation? Would you tolerate someone saying this to you or about you? You are an amazing person so why wouldn’t you want to be friends with yourself?

There are many other things you can do to reduce and eliminate your negative self talk but if you are like me and want quick results, these are a great place to start. Writing things down has always been beneficial to me as I tend to be in my own head a lot. If you’re new to writing, it can feel strange at first but trust me when I say the benefits well outweigh a little initial discomfort.

Don’t let your brain trick you! Focus on what’s happening now. Be right here in the moment otherwise, you are either dwelling on the past or creating an imaginary future. Neither of which are helpful or healthy and whether you believe it or not, you have total control over your thoughts and feelings. You can feel more confident and powerful in yourself sooner than you would ever imagine. Notice how much better it feels when you speak to yourself like a SuperHuman. Now is the time for you to create beliefs of ever learning, ever growing, ever succeeding and being totally awesome. Be kind, loving and supportive of you... it makes absolute sense! You have the superpower, you have the drive and you know you are worth it.

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